Be Brave, Be Bold, Be you

2013

I turned right onto the long drive approaching the private, wooded property in western Rhode Island. It was early fall and the wet leaves were just beginning to turn from bright green to a pale yellow. The sound of snapping branches and crunching leaves beneath my tires slowed as I passed a barn on the left separated by a neighbors fence and then a small garage on the right. I wasn’t entirely sure where I was going and as I peered ahead I could begin to make out a large  stone wall that appeared to encompass several pastures and a traditional wood two story barn. This was one of my favorite things about New England- the old stone fences with the historic barns- especially going into autumn. They held an almost elusive magic about them- like on the perfect day and time you may just walk straight into a portal to another world. Honestly looking back I may have done exactly that. As I admired the barn I started to question where the horses, and people, were. Maybe I was at the wrong property. I pulled my old nissan up along the wall and shifted to park. The sweet smell of grass and hay filled my nose and immediately calmed my nerves of being in a new place.  As I swung my legs around to get out of the car I could start to make out two horses peering around the back of the barn watching me. As I stood one of them began to make their way over to the wall. My heart stopped for a moment and then began beating out of my chest. Looking right at me was the most stunning being I had ever seen in my life. Shockingly beautiful. Her mane fell like a waterfall of silver, a thick forelock laid softly over the center of her face. She was a light grey full of darker dapples as if the cosmos themselves were swirled into her coat. Her thick curvy neck outstretched from her round, strong body and she just looked at me curious and peaceful. I had never been so intimidated by anything in my entire life and  I considered getting back into my car and leaving. This horse was magic and I immediately felt unworthy and despite my lifetime on horseback I felt completely unequipped to ride. As I started to make my way back to my car a beautiful young woman came out from the massive mansion farm house that I hadn’t even noticed until that moment. All I thought to myself was, Shit.

From this cosmic moment forward, everything in my life changed. But alas, a story for another day. Let me tell you more about Stella.

Stella was my soul mate, incarnated in medicine horse form. Stella was brave, confident, funny, opinionated, she loved food especially treats like peppermints. She was by no means cuddly or overly affectionate. She really didn’t enjoy hugs or being coddled and she didn’t particularly like to be brushed except for her mane and tail. She had the best hair, it was thick and strong and straight. I loved brushing her mane. It was like instant therapy and sometimes at night when I would be too tired to do anything else I would just go out with a hair brush and tell Stella all about my day. 

But Stella's uniqueness went deeper than just her personality—she was extraordinary from the very beginning.

Stella was born in 2004 in California. Her sire was a Friesian and her dam an Andalusian- making Stella a Warlander. At birth Stella appeared to be a mare as her external genitalia was congruent with female anatomy. It wasn’t until she was older that it was realized that she had testicles instead of ovaries or a uterus and she was in fact born intersex. It was so fitting for her because she was unlike any other horse I had ever met. Her masculinity and femininity were perfectly balanced. She could go between mare and stallion energy effortlessly. Her boundaries were impeccable. She was clear, fair, and a leader. The other horses trusted her and felt safe in her presence. I felt like she was the best of both worlds- a smart and mindful lead mare with the protective qualities of a stallion. 

Stella was a beautiful dressage horse. She loved to show off and if I told her we were playing “war horse” I would have to hold on because she would turn into a little power house. Stella was sensitive and a wonderful mirror. She responded to the smallest subtle movements and asymmetries. Her sensitivity inspired me in all of my work because in order to be a worthy rider of her I had to ride precisely, sensitively. But I never felt scared on her, anything she did she was always taking me with her and taking care of me. I had zero control, only suggestions, and it was beyond freeing. It is a feeling I’m not sure I would have known existed if it had not been for her. 

She was a guardian, a wise being, a teacher. I could trust Stella without any hesitation. Stella made me feel brave by being with her.

Stella passed away tragically and unexpectedly in May of 2020. It was the greatest heartbreak of my life. There is still a hole of grief in my heart that I know will never go away. 

I wanted to write this book while she was here. I had envisioned her as an inspiration, a beacon to kids who feel different- to show them how absolutely magical being different can be. I envisioned us going to schools together so people could meet her and experience her magic. I never thought she was going to leave so soon, so suddenly. 

It took me a few years to get this first children's book out because I was too depressed and overcome with grief for a long while. But the world needs to know about Stella, about what an incredible being she was. 

Anytime I would dismount she would offer a low nicker and I loved it. A few years after she passed away I started my stallion and when I would dismount he started offering a low nicker, too. I felt like it was a little gift from Stella, a reminder that she’s still with me. 

I hope Stella’s magic carries into these books and serves as a beacon for anyone who feels out of place in this world. Take it from Stella to let your light shine because the world truly needs it. 

A special thank you to my wonderful Illustrator, Luisa, for her ability to capture Stella’s essence so beautifully.

And to Nicole. Thank you for being Stella’s guardian, for keeping her safe in this world and for bringing her into my life. Thank you for your support, your love and your magic. I am eternally grateful for you.